right. so now i am making a pact to myself that i am officially DONE being so off track. i have never in my life felt so disgusting and fat. fast starting right this moment until monday of next week.  absolutely no food, and if anything towards the end all i'll have are like some tomatoes or something to just give me energy.  i want to get to 110 pounds so bad. i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it... 

nothing feels right when i'm not in control. my whole everything just gets off track. i dont even feel like putting makeup on in the morning because i feel like its a waste to put on such a fat ugly person. my bf certainly doesnt make it any easier.. lately all he does is make me feel like shit, inadequate, not good enough, not as good as his ex.. whatever. i dont even need him, or anybody once i'm skinny and thin. i dont need anyone or anything anymore.  all the people who have left me, let me down, put me down, they wont matter, because i will be so much better. untouchable. nothing they can do will hurt me anymore. because i WILL be in control.

wellp, i made it through all of yesterday with no food easy. gahh i love aderall.  i wish i had more today. but i dont.  i dont think i'm going to 2468.. i want to fast until the weekend and then start my 2468, because it will be easier to work out then.  i weighed myself this morning andd i am 116 pounds. i'm so happy, i've already almost reached my goal weight for next weekend! i think i'm going to change my goals. 110 by next weekend.. =) i know i can do it.  i have this belt that i love that i cant wear because its too small on me. now. but soon it will fit! its actually almost fitting on me, just like a few more centimeters haha and then its perfect.  and yesterday i was trying on a bunch of my clothes that i havent worn in months and months because i've been like 130 pounds, and now their starting to look pretty good.  but there are still problem areas on me.  for instance, i need to get rid of the fat in between my legs, so that they dont touch at all.  and my arms are still flabby.  and my tummy still has a huge layer of fat over it.. so there is still so much work to be done.  but honestly i feel so good about my progress.  so good that i never want to ruin this ever with a binge.  it really is true. NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels!!

last night social wise kinda sucked though. didnt even get to see the bf.  well, for like a minute he came over and said hey.  but that was it.  the only good thing about it was i was in this cute tight shirt and around him i've always worn baggy clothes because i'm self concious, and he said i looked really really good.  he actually looked pretty impressed. hah. see jack ass. you would rather me be skinny. duh. you DO care if i have love handles and fat.  your no different then any other guy.  you just want perfection.  but what can i say, i want to achieve that perfection just as much as i know he wants me to be it.  i cant wait to be able to go to the beach in my bikini and know that hes not looking at other girls, but looking at me for once.  i cant wait to know that i am better than everyone else there in his eyes.  and i cant wait to feel like i dont need him anymore.  not that i dont love and want him.  i just dont want to need him.  i want to be able to get anybody i want, and feel good enough.  i've never felt good enough for anybody before. This summer is going to be so much fun once i'm thin.  Swimming, going to the beach, tanning, hanging out with my best friend, hot weather, and NOT having to cover up my body for once in my life!! i have 5 more days left of highschool. i cant wait

Height: 5'6 or 5'5 last time i checked
CW: 125
LW: 110
HW: 135 (ugh omg)
SGW: 115 by next weekend. (not the upcoming weekend but the next)
GW: 105 by mid june.